we often let ourselves down, especially when the situation calls for us to be at our very best. it’s a flaw that many have and only a few are able to correct. we put the blame on ourselves, others, or particular events that happened. it is the shortsightedness that blinds us from the actual fact that the nature of the problem doesnt lie in any of those but the very foundations that shape the way we are today. never put too much blame on yourself, it might not be so significant afterall. we regard each and every day of our lives as very important, but we are mere micro-gods of our own lives. there are things that holds more importance to us at this point in time.

okay i apologize.

i just found out that my dad was NOT serious about hungary. like didnt mean yes when he said yes.
so like this was how i found out:
-at the dinner table
dad: so im thinking of going to visit the lims in australia. who wants to go? 24th dec.
me: erm that's when the hungary trip is.
dad: you're going?
mom (to dad): you gave her false hope.

that's it. that how my escape from singapore just turned to dust (no, not even dust. nothingness). the ONLY thing i was looking forward to do after As. i mean if you weren't serious about it, it's not that great a joke. i knew you always sasid stuff and didnt carry through but. this mattered.

thanks. alot.

i just thought i'd popped by to show that im actually feeling happy. no matter how short it lasts for.

and this is what did it:
maxine on facebook was supposed to tag people who applied to the conditions. and.
im 1) tag your best friend now
2) tag someone who has nice hair (a little weird but i dont care! :D )
3) tag someone who makes you smile even on your worst days AND
4) tag someone you miss. :D
haha i would have copied and pasted the whole window but im a bit lazy but this sums it up. and yes, it made my day. i've been missing maxine and wilona ALOT. things really are weird when i have to like call/msg them to tell them something that happened when i used to be able to tell them later in the day. well. takes some getting use to. and i still miss them loads. lol. cant wait for these 2 DREADFUL LONGGG months to be over and then i can paddle/ hang out with them again. i know i sound gay but i dont care. lol.

yups that's what i felt like saying. i was actually going to bed and i got reminded of why i was feeling better than i was after the shitty math mock paper (what's new i know) and i had the urge to put in down in cold hard evidence that it made my day. just felt like i needed to record it somewhere. you know, so that it'll be remembered.







okay and that's that. that took a while to upload and i need to go sleep! nights! :)

okay seriously, life really takes you by surprise.

this week is gonna kill me. math econs, math econs, more math, more econs and im doubting if anything's even going into this thick useless skull of mine. it's ridiculous how the concepts seem to easy to everyone but me. then again, im wondering why i even took math. i mean of all subjects. i was struggling the most at this for Os. regrets of my life (makes me sound ancient and im gonna die) but taking math. it's not even practical.

anyway david's post?:
1) I CAN'T RMB MY MATH FORMULAE AT THE TIP OF MY FINGERS
2) CAN'T SEEM TO COMPLETE A SINGLE MATH QN ON MY OWN
3) STILL DONT UNDERSTAND SIGMA, AP/GP, MI, FUNCTIONS
4) NOWHERE NEAR FINISHED STUDYING THE BASICS OF ECONS.
5) HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED ON GP.
6) NO CLUE WHAT OTHELLO IS ABOUT ANYMORE.
7) A MILLION AND ONE QNS REGARDING GREAT EX.

This is gonna be one shizz of a week. I don't rmb ever being so stressed in my life.
i check all of those. and more. i cant even do freaking inequalities which steph(not me, the one with more brains) says that it should be at my fingertips. well it's not. and OMG chemistry. havent touched it in ages. everything is gonna go DOWN for prelims. which means Us. im screwed. like kill me before my parents or bro paul does.

have i emphasized how much i hate my life recently?

ps, i wanna paddle. D:

I miss abigail. my sister. the one I talk to at night, the one who kinda knows everything about me. I miss our late night to-wee-hours-in-the morning-talks (like 4am) about our dreams and what nots. never expected it to feel so weird without her around. you know the kind of feeling when you get reminded of somtehing you've talked about, and you turn around to tell her, or you pick up your phone and realise. it's not that easy anymore. it's not the same. and I was just talking to sarah and realised that when she gets back, she won't be around cause she's gonna start on her paramedics thing. :( it's just weird you know.

plus, maxine and wilona aren't around. they're in prague! and they just flew off but I miss them already. haven't seen wilona in like what 2 weeks? and it's gonna be 3 and then 4. :( depressing shitzle. I miss moscow just for the times that I got to spend it with maxine,wilona and ruoning. and chances are, we're never gonna be able to row together again as a k4. WHICH SUCKS DAMN BAD.

next up, coach. i'm damn thankful I got into the team when he came in. cause he's like the best coach ever, and im not saying it just cause, but cause he really is. if you knew the amount of sacrifices he's had to make since coming to coach us, you'd cry. if you knew the amount of sacrifices he might have to make, you'd cry even harder. and yet, he's treated like *bleagh*. don't even get me started. it's amazing how much he actually gives up for us. and there's nothing we can do for him but train hard and not let him down. BUT. we do. we let him down in so many ways and it's just plain depressing. and I hope we don't, but we do. and im sorry.

and horror of all horror, there's studies. the bane of my existence. need I say more?

i dont know why, but life has just been so tiring. k it's mostly cause of the training and all the teachers and friends constantly reminding me that mid-years are round the corner, but it just seems like it's never going to stop. and that's just so... depressing simply put. everyone needs their breaks. so do i. i'm just SO tired. i can really remember being happy. truly- honest- to- God happy. i think it was nationals, with the girls, with the canoeists.

i know life isnt that simple, but why cant it be? just for a while again. i want it back, just so i can remember what being happy feels like. being peaceful. i think that's something nice that could happen to. life is sometimes to complicated. the older people will go.. what complicated? life's so easy for you. just go school study. but. i wish it were that simple. maybe it's cause i havent been at peace with God in a long time. and that sucks. just knowing it makes it suck even more. i cant say anything that would make it any easier. and i HATE it.

today was think career day. for most, it was like, OH i know what i wanna do now but for me. it's like OMG-i-do-not-know-what-i-wanna-do day. and waking up realising my lit essay wasnt done didnt help the situation. seriously. i do not know what i wanna do k. i have lots of ideas in my head, but i realise that maybe it's the influence of the people around me. what if... and it all sets in again. i got HEALTHCARE for my first lecture and i was so freaking stressed out that was my breaking point. i was outside class and i just erupted. WHEN everyone was walking past. what brilliant timing seriously. embarrassing ttm. i need to... vent? scream? shout? idk. :S

oh yeah sports day heats was yest. i already ran so much in the morning and during pe i was like so not happy about the fact that i had to run 3 and 3/4 rounds round the track oh make that 4 including the relay. I WAS SO TIRED you cant blame me for being pissed off when i see my efforts and maris's and david's going down the drain right. but okay i admit. i overreacted. and i'm sorry to everyone or all the vulgarities that came spewing out of my mouth. sorry.

heh. well yeah. that's about it.

ps, i miss my carefree life. anyone has a spare?

i'm sorry i cant be there tmr. but i know that it's right. i'm supposed to give this dinner up for God. and i hope you all dont blame me.

finals are tomorrow. i hope CJ does the best we can. i kinda want 3rd overall but it's kinda scary to hope for. oh wells. i guess only the results for k2 and k4 are in my hands. not only mine but yan's jolene's and isabelle's too. i sure hope we dont disappoint. really really hope we dont. i just need someone to tell me that we wont screw up. that they have enough faith in us to know that we wont. God help us all. AHHH. well. i'm panicking. ok ok. trust in God trust in the work we've put in, trust in my partners (most of all, yanling) and just hope, wish, pray, wait, for the best.

AHH. GO CJ CANOEING! GO GIRLS:D <3333 YOU ALL TTM.GO GUYS:D GO JOSEPH:D LET'S ROW OUR HEARTS OUT FOR THE ONE LAST TIME.

ah. song's just stuck in my head. and making me so emo and angsty.

what to say? i've been studying since 4/5? and all that i've done is not completed. i'm such a lazy pig someone should just kill me already. it's so frustrating. knowing that you need to do something but cant bring yourself to. i cant understand how people find the drive to study and train study and train. i mean there are like a million and one people out there, in the same situation as me, with so many things to handle ( and much more) but are doing 100x better at managing my time. PTM was kinda a wake up call. i know i knew that canoeing wasnt supposed to be my whole life and that i still need to study to go far in life (wherever that takes me) but sat just made me realize i haven't been doing ANYTHING to help my situation. i'm not all that smart, i'm not all that fast. i'm just normal. and to be more than normal i need to work hard. which i can't bring myself too. like so. there. BACK TO SQUARE ONE. i went for trng today in the morning, went to eat lunch with maxine ruoning lao-laos and coach and then what? eat more ice cream. then sit until 3? reach home, felt sick and went to sleep. then TRIED to study. i'm gonna mail math test tmrw btw.

AND AND AND. there's all the talk about the end of canoeing for the cj people. i'm TOTALLY gonna miss them TTM. they are like the reason i love canoeing so much. and. idk. it just wont be the same without them. at least now even when i dont train with them i still see them on the water. but in like less than 1 month, they'll be gone. i wont have them to suffer with, to laugh with and it's going to be SO DIFFERENT. i mean yeah i know there will be maxine and wilona and ruo ning to suffer with after this, but it's not the same. they werent the people i started out with. and there's yanling. omg haha this is gonna sound SO gay but we totally make the best partners in the world. i dont care if we cant be faster than wilona or what (cause it's wilona but yeah) i'm gonna miss her ttm. really. ugh. hate this. kelly's like definitely gonna cry when we end. and i think i'm totally gonna join her. AND it sucks that i cant join the girls team on the planned sleepover. sucks. this feeling really really really sucks.

14th april the beginning and then start of the end. cant believe bro paul is putting so much pressure on us. like seriously, not like we like the bronze colour alot. but omg i'm SCARED SHITLESS for our k4. crap. the expectation's just killing me. how much does it suck. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not send people down to support us. it's enough pressure as it is.

plus i cant believe i'm giving myself hope for this, but i think i wanna go for junior world champs. K4 with ruoning maxine and wilona will be so cool, the experience will be sooooo. EXHILARATING.i really hope we can go? but the thing is. i'm taking A's so how do i do well at both? the junior guys totally have no problem with it cause they are damn freaking smart, and the girls aren't taking A's. oh GOD, please show me, help me. i'm gonna need divine intervention and ALOT OF HARD WORK to make it thru this year. putting aside other things that is. if you know what i mean.

k i think that is a whole shit load of ranting. just needed to get it off my chest. byee

hey!!! just wanna pop by to announce results from NJCCs today:D

WE GOT THIRD FOR K4!!!! (GOOD JOB kelly jolene and isabelle!!!)
and YAN AND I GOT second or third! we dunno yet but it was an awesome row:D at least i think so. and that's what matters.

anyway, steph i know you wanted to row. and i'm so sorry we didnt find out if you could :S and adam too. omg i feel so bad. we still love you both! haha. how apt. oh well. come on joseph you can do it. dont give up. and right... tmr GO K4!!! get our 3rd medal!!! and guys! come on!! let's go!!!!!!!

LET'S GO!!!!!!

come on come on. talk to me moreeeee

i cant wait for that day:D seriously. because common tests end!!!! haha i know. lame but yeah:D

anyway lit's tmr and i DONT WANNA STUDY IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! seriously brave new world and handmaid's okay but i HATE HATE HATE OTHELLO TO THE MAXIMUM!!! LIKE SERIOUSLY. I KNOW a lot of people say it's easy but i dont think so. it's like damn difficult to me? i think i'm dumb D: aiyer... cant wait for CTs to end. maths also sure fail. omg ALL my H2s :S argh. omg i better stop surfing and go study now.

cant believe this is happening to me again. OMG, just stop. SOMEBODY SAVE ME.....

okay okay i guess i was kinda overeacting in my previous post and it sounds so angry that i had to add a new post to make myself seem less..... angsty? haha so yeah everything's bright and shiny now (although bright and shiny futures are overated anyway) but yeah. Lit night was pretty awesome. totally didnt expect myself to have that much fun. AND. T11 finally won something!!!:D i'm pretty sure if they had three positions for the dress up group thing we would have won a prize too but they only had one. and i guess since they spent so much money they kinda deserved it so yeah. happ anyway:D

you're so selfish i dont believe it.

i've decided. my negativity is wearing off on people and it's pissing me of quite a bit too. so i will change. i WILL. this has gotten bad. i dunno why but optimism hasn't been very apparent. try as i might i just cant. it's so difficult.

OKAYYYYYYY i shall stop it. i AM optimistic! okay okay i shall announce happy news:D i made it through to the national team:D well i guess i was just lucky cause i was competing with people younger than me but oh well, i have my chance. i don't know if my timing was good though. andrea was so like..... O.o like it wasn't good enough and like you're tyco to be in? yeah. haha ANYWAY. abi made it in too!!!!! which is even more tyco than me cause she didn't even finish the 1000m race. so yeah:D PLUS PLUS PLUS i don't have to train with the nteam yet until national juniors (which is 4 weeks awayD: but that means i'm gonna take this 4 weeks to slack as much as i can? go home early, go out with friends etc anyway i digress:D) so yan and i still can train for K2 and we still can row K4!!!!!!! awesome shit right? i know:DDD and so, i'm hoping. that we can get at least two medals. then we can get the CANOEING jersey:D hahaha. yes yes i know cheap thrill but still. i want:D haha:D MOST OF ALL, I WANNA THANK YAN AND STEPH FOR BEING THERE FOR ME:DDDD you really helped to steady my nerves for the race. THANKS THANKS THANKS. i'm so sorry for my constant whining about how i couldnt do it. thanks:D of couse not forgetting ruoning who gave me her power water( it was just gatorade actually, but yeah:D)and supported her friends and i equally. she had so MANY people to support!!!! AND.... annabelle ng aka belle!!! thanks you really helped me that day when i was TOTALLY freaking out ttm. really and your technique really worked:D thanks:D

okay so i guess life hasnt been that bad after all. thank God for helping me through and i guess this is the way to go since i got in?

anyway back to school and mer's back!!! too bad she's not in t11 tho'. i miss you mer!!!! class is totally different without you D: anyway have fun in school and enjoy it!!! school's okay i guess. i kinda look forward to the new canoeing batch but i really wonder how many of them will stick we had the awesomest canoeing cca bazaar ever in the history of canoeing seriously. haha:D anyway we've had like 2 and a half pages of names. but obviously it wont all work out? mr ha's gonna torture them away i think. D:

ahh k k enough of me talking. i need to study for my econs test tmr BUT i lost my notes......... so... i'll just sit in front of the tv:D buhbye:D

still stuck. still confused. D:

steph and i are like stuck. in a time where we really cant figure out or understand a single thing that's going on, cant decide what to do about our problems and are SUPER frustrated about it. seriously the feeling sucks.

so much so that during the first part of training today i was really so pissy. that's probably why our timing was not that bad. cause i vented. really really a lot. i pity the crescent t2. they were just totally in the wrong place at the wrong time and had to lace themselves in front of me, the super angsty girl. so, they got screamed at. i feel quite bad now actually come to think about it. but there's nothing i can do. i dont even remember what they look like.

wilona's damn fast, damn hyped up about training i dont know how i'm ever gonna keep up. i dont think anyone can. and the thing about her is that even though she's damn fast, she's a damn nice person. so you cant hate her. i wanna be fast fast fast for time trials! i'm so scared.i dont wanna go alone. but there's no one to go with me and i'm scared to the max.

haha i cop-ed this picture from kelly tan:D i just realised we havent took a pic as a whole team including EVERYONE so i have to use this photo which includes the J2s (and in this case, they do not come in to the picture at all) haha:D so anyway the team (or whoever was there, obviously not all:O) celebrated my birthday for me at the one thousand metre mark pontoon:D two days early but who cares?? thanks a MILLION.

so thanks team:D

and now, special thanks to:
STEPHANIE TABA:D TAN YANLING:DD KELLY TAN(who hilariously got stuck in her house today and couldnt come for training):DDD and abigail chen jieyi who says that she gave them the idea for the present:D thanks jie:D


AND VINCE TAN AND JOSEPH GOH :D

for making my beautiful adizero shoe possible:D THANKS THANKS THANKS:D you guys/ girls will always be remembered! (haha sounds like you're dead:P)

alright. so today has been such a pleasant surprise, and the rest of the week is gonna be AWESOME cause we're going for church camp (finally! after god knows how many years:D) at malacca where we're gonna grow fat eating the damn nice ice kachang and chendol:D

oh so... everyone in the team has promoted but. my class. KEITH MER i WILL miss you both. very very much. keith for being the very strong christian that makes me ashamed of my lack of faith (but it's a good thing) and mer!!! omg. your funny-ness. HOPEFULLy by some miracle you guys can stay?

yes so results are back and i've improved!!! DDDSB from a DSUSD (GP, Lit, MATH!!!, Econs, Chem) YAY for me! so i'm going to start working hard for my hopeful As for 'A's. haha

Canoeing is officially my life now. haha but K1 sucks. seriously damn slow. no idea how why or how to improve. shall beg andrea for tips. haha. ANYWAY. K2 with yan shows promise AND we must work harder for the NELO!!! YAY! come on let's go!! K4's doing good. slowly improving yo. :D i actually think that our K4 might have a shot at a medal. hopefully. i wanna be able to get into NCCs from my own merit not under SJI Alumni again when we're so obviously not from there. PLEASE. I WILL TRY MY BEST.

awesome song by brooke fraser:

Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
toward home, a land that i've never seen
I am changing, less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when i began
and i have sensed it all along
fast approaching is the day

[CHORUS]
when the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you

Theres distraction buzzing in my head
saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
but I've heard rumours of true reality
whispers of a well-lit way

[CHORUS]

You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things
You make all things

[CHORUS 2]
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you

so. the school year's ended and let's just say it's been a wonderful and unforgettable year (or rather 3/4) esp for 1T11:D
SPECIAL THANKS TO:
mer and maris for simply being my stc mates --> cj mates and my daily laughter dosage. maris. chem is awesome with you. i dont know how i would have survived ms ____'s lessons without you. seriously. and mer, so sad you couldnt sit with us anymore. but no worries you're still on my fav list(which, btw, is saying ALOT):D
anne monique for being the dramma queen of the class. always standing up for me with you know who.
bryan cutter for providing maris and i with entertainment from your itouch and all your nonsense.
SHERRIE KOH. omg i dont know how i would have survived PW without you. many many many thanks.
elissa! haha you forever telling everyone i have rock-hard abs (which i do not, i wish tho') you make me smile anyway
yunsong samuel and solo with your rubbish about me being a spartan. it's actually funny now. haha
bonnie! for being sweet always. taking care of everyone.
keith and mark for being the deep-thinking provokers in class. for me at least.
shalini belle david and sherrie. you four are like the bomb la. haha what more can be said.
isaiah the "guai"-looking boy who's always helping us out. but secretly, i think you have violent tendencies. esp when you suddenly explode. scary siol. haha
jackson the squitwirt you're always cleaning the class. thanks. you're so funny with you bone melting actions too!
and so with jackson comes kaiwei and her occasional flirts and how you can suddenly burst into hokkien. seriously. it's hilarious:D
bryan lim. jenny thanks for actually existing. (PW is over!!!:D)
jesmine, stop being so quiet already. it's time you joined us once again.

haha wow. okay that was a mouthful. haha. so yes. it's over. i've promoted:D (YAY!) and chinese is over (YAY YAY!) and PW is OVER!!! (YAY YAY YAY!)
so i shall end here. tribute to the canoeing team shall occur again at a later date.